4 - Enneagram & Invitation

In this episode Tomy touches on the Enneagram tool and the power of walking with instead of pushing. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey Shepherds and welcome back to the Shepherds of the Mind bonus content. So glad that you've chosen to continue on with this content. Today we are going to be talking about the Enneagram as well as some ways to learn to be able to earn the right to be heard by others. So let's dive right in. Well, for me, I say early in this chapter that I'm an Enneagram 9. And again, I know lots of people have lots of different histories with the Enneagram. I have seen people kind of lose themselves in the Enneagram. And so I know sort of the dangers of it. And yet for me, it it has been such a helpful tool. And I know I say that in the book. I actually was first introduced to the Enneagram at Woodman Valley Chapel by a friend named Corey. Uh, Corey and her husband Carson are great friends and great people. And I remember we were talking about another personality assessment. I don't even remember which one now at this point. But then she was like, oh, what about the Enneagram? And I was like, I have literally never heard of that before in my life. And it's funny, but my initial response to it was like, this is dumb. I don't think I like this. I mean, come on, how can how can it be much better than the Myers Briggs or whatever the other assessment was that we were talking about? And so I kind of wrote it off, partially because I personally felt um like a struggle to identify what number I was on the Enneagram. Well, come to find out later. The reason is because Enneagram nines, the peacemakers, have this tendency to try to look at themselves through the eyes of others. And so it's hard for Enneagram nines to really know themselves in some ways because they just want that harmony and relationship so much that at times it can be, well, what do you need me to be? How can I show up? Well, and so it took me a while to kind of nail down. But once I found that I was a nine, um a lot of things started falling into place. I I started going into it a little bit more with our staff at Plum Creek. Um, we had I had a chance to lead a workshop on the Enneagram, which kind of forced me to make sure that I had my ducks in a row and knew it. And this was after already taking our student staff through it as a personality assessment tool. And really we just kept using it in a way that would help to give some insight into what is me at my best? How how do I, how can you tell that I'm doing well? And what are some signs, indicators that would say maybe I'm not doing all that well? And so really uh it can be a very, really powerful tool when used in that way. Well, then over the course of the years, as I started to learn more and more about myself, I then was introduced to Sleeping at Last's Enneagram album. If you have not listened to this album and you are even remotely interested in the Enneagram, I would highly encourage you to go listen to it. I don't know that I have met very many people who listened to their song. Uh, it's just a song for every number on the Enneagram. And but I haven't I haven't met very many people who listened to their song and weren't just like on the verge of tears, if not outright, just weeping of my goodness, this nails me so much and gives me so much insight into uh and just really great language into who I am. And so it's it was really powerful. But as I had a chance to continue to learn more and more about myself, I also realized that as a wing one, I can also sometimes wing eight. The one is the uh perfectionist, like they they want to have there's a sense of right and wrong, and there's there's a right answer and there's a wrong answer. And um, and then the eight can also tend to be that way, but for different reasons because they have a high sense of justice. And so I realize that while I am not a confrontational person, most people have seen this in me, if you know me. Um when those eight or one wings come out at any given moment, what it can come across as when I am trying to help others is like giving overly simple answers. And um, as we start to talk about in this chapter, this concept of invite, don't pressure, um, meaning that we we earn the right to be heard by others. And then rather than just grabbing them by the collar, like I say in the book, and just be like, dude, just stop. Like if you'll just stop doing the stupid thing you're doing, everything's gonna be fine. Well, realizing very, very rarely is that ever helpful. Um, I it was not that I ever did anything quite to that level, but I think I would too often oversimplify things. And it would be more of a pressure rather than an invitation and trying to push people towards health, which again, rather rarely does that ever actually help. Actually at a camp this uh last year was able to share this illustration that I had seen somewhere, I don't remember where at this point, but I got one of these really big guys at the camp, the one of the adult leaders. And I was like, Hey, did you ever play um like football or wrestling or anything like that? And he's like, No, not at all. But I was like, okay, well, maybe I have a chance here, even though you're much bigger than I am. And um I put my arm around him and I had him step off seven steps with me. And he did it, no problem. We then paced off back to three and a half, which was right in the middle of seven, and I was like, all right, you stand here. And I put my hands out, he put his hands out, we grabbed each other's hands and I started pushing him with zero explanation, with no uh invitation to try to resist my pushing. He immediately did. And the point that I made was that when we put our arm around someone and invite them to walk with us, there was no hesitation. He didn't pause for even a second to question whether or not he should walk with me. But then when I started pushing against him, there was immediate resistance. Well, I think for me, as that Enneagram nine, being able to recognize, hey, when I lean too hard into my eight-wing or my one wing, my goodness, I think, I think this is what it's like for people. It's why I tend to see immediate resistance, because it's not an invitation. It is coming across as very pressuring. And so honestly, this was probably one of the things, the one of the recommendations, the the unpacking that I give in this book that took the longest for me to learn because it just wasn't natural for me. Even as an Enneagram nine where I want peace in the relationship, when I recognized that I had to bring challenge or or bring some truth, as we talk about in this chapter, that I I was struggling to sort of nail it. And I realized later on through some hard experiences, that's why I was too often trying to push rather than just to invite along. But the good news is, as we talk about in this chapter as well, that even when we get it wrong, we're not always gonna get it right, but we can always make it right. And so learning to go back and be like, hey, I think I I was maybe approaching that in a way that was unhelpful. And so I'm sorry for that. And so hopefully for you, if you know what Enneagram number you are, first of all, once again, go listen to the Sleeping at Last song. You're gonna love it. Uh, or maybe not. Sometimes it's kind of painful to have that mirror held up for us, but um, whatever number you are, to be able to recognize, yeah, what does it look like for me to be able to come alongside others well on this journey? So thanks for tuning in again. And I can't wait to see you back here for yet another episode of the Shepherds of the Mind bonus content. We'll see you soon.